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The boy sat on the edge of the wooden pier shivering as the ocean that once hugged him tightly dripped off his body in disgust, leaving only a thin layer of green sludge between his skin and the crisp air around him. The smell of dead fish rose out of the ocean grave and wrapped around him until his nose could no longer smell it at all. As the sun left the hazy blue sky, he watched the boisterous boats tread further into the ocean until they were eaten whole by the horizon. His stomach bubbled, gurgling as if to imitate a toddler drowning.

“You. Your shift’s  been outta here for an hour,” a man, dressed in rubber rain clothes and black boots said. “We don’t pay ya to loiter after your deed is done.”

“You don’t pay me at all,” Pi mumbled, directing his eyes away from the murky green water and towards the man’s agitated eyes. “What? You don’t.”

“I pay ya plenty,” the man sneered, “for a rat-boy.”

“My name’s Pi,” the boy said, standing up, “ like the number.”

“Like your endless complaining…” the man said, taking out his wallet and giving Pi a thin, closed envelope that still smelled like the old, summered books that must have been stacked in between it at one point.

“That’s your paycheck. Now scram, ” the man said, rolling his eyes.

Excitement rose as he walked off the pier as he watched the silver fish jumping and spinning out of the water, and he clutched the envelope tightly in his left hand, his fingers trying to feel the edges of the bills, before assuming checks weren’t that thick at all. He looked out to the horizon, and seeing a mass of red tainting the sky, seeping onto the edges of the clouds, turned back and started running through the wide sidewalks, still moist from the thunderstorm the following afternoon. The rain rose out of the pavement and suspended itself in the air, leaving the air thick and muggy. Pi took a deep breath as he felt his cool sweat rush down his back, leaving goose bumps in only small lines.

Looking out, the sidewalk seemed as if it would never end, but Pi knew better. He took a shortcut to the playground, where a large field of rolling hills, tremendous trees and big mudstones surrounded it, almost as if it was a safe zone from a battleground. In a way, it was. For Pi, it offered comfort, knowing forever wasn’t always constant. The two mounds of dirt the browning grass covered would become flat, the pebble by the mudstones would be kicked away, and the pretend arrows and huts would soon decompose back into the soil. Pi sighed, looking briefly at the playground, noting the changes already occurring.

No one was there. The wood chips were an ashen hue, and the tall grass was better suited for cows than eyes.  The swing sets swung in the wispy wind as the rusting metal cried and the wind wrapped around it. Pi glanced twice, left to right, before sitting on one of the empty swings. He locked himself in by hugging the chains and resting the check on his lap.
He smiled weakly whenever the wind would nudge him forward. It was as if his sister was still there, pushing him just enough to keep going.

"This is still our place," Pi whispered, his words not even strong enough to be carried by the wind, "Just our place."

Pi then looked down at the envelope. Never once in Pi’s life did he ever consider what life would be like if he wasn’t clenching a dried-up loaf of tomato bread, leaving unintentional crumbs for the mice to follow, his feet slapped against the sidewalk, clacking like a horse escaping from the chains of a carriage. This could be it. This could be the check to not only set him free, but to give him his family freedom as well.

“What are you looking at?” a girl said, her brown hair covered by her black hat with the exception of her messy bangs.

Before Pi could object, he found her sitting next to him on the open swing, taking off her glasses for a moment to clean them using the soft sleeves of her jacket, which was designed for some sort of computer RPG game which Pi only knew from advertisements he'd see in the magazines the hospital collected and placed in the various waiting rooms. He sighed.

“Looks like some sort of letter?” The girl asked again, putting the glasses on her face. Pi noticed how the red frames of the glasses complemented her pinkish-pale skin, bringing out the quiet, but nature imperfections of an average teen complexion.

“It’s none of your business,” Pi mumbled, shifting his feet, hoping that starting to swing would make her leave.

“Aren’t you a little old for that?” She said, but still started swinging with him.

“What are you doing ‘ere? Leave me alone.”

“My house is right across the street. I just moved in. This playground’s practically my front yard.”

Pi sighed again, swinging harder. The girl went along with him, pumping her legs harder the faster Pi got.

“What’s your name?” She  asked him.

“He who must not be named,” he said back.

“Oh, you’re a Potterhead?” She asked. “I loved thos—”

“I don’t waste money,” Pi said, cutting her off with a quick tongue. “Can’t afford it.”

“What? No, a Potterhead is what people who read Harry Potter are called,” She explained.

“Sounds dumb,” he said, pumping his legs even harder out of frustration, jerking himself hard enough for his elbows to give and for him to lose balance halfway in the air. Panicked, his arms automatically reached for the metal ropes, and the check flew out of his hands. It fluttered through the air, before it was grasped by the other body on the adjacent swing.

“Caught it for ya’. Looks like a check,” She said, flipping it over, looking at every corner of the envelope, as if for another clue.

Pi glared at her as if he had more venom than a water moccasin.

“Give it back. Now.” He reached over and grabbed a part of her swing, hoping to make her lose balance the same way he did.

The impact caused her swing to end abruptly, but all that left the swing she was on was the girl’s glasses, which sailed off her face and into the muddy mulch. The girl let out a small shocked gasp and turned her head to Pi.

“I wasn’t going to steal anything,” she said, injured. “What do you take me for?”

“An inquisitive thief,” Pi said, short.  

“Well, I’m not. I just wanted to know what was inside.”

“Money I worked hard for!”

He snatched the check from the girl’s hands, quickly pocketing it as she hopped off the swing and stumbled for her glasses. Pi eyed her harshly, but the look she gave him back hit his own gut. He glanced down in shame, and let his feet drag against the ground, pulling him to a stop. With one last heavy sigh, he walked over and found her glasses, slightly bent from the fall.

“Oh. Thanks,” she said cautiously, taking them.

“There’d be an issue if you couldn’t see.” Pi stated, still examining the mulch.

“Oh, these aren’t for seeing. I see fine without them.” She shrugged.

“What?”

“Yeah, I find them neat, so I bought some the other day.”

While Pi stared at her with a twitch, the girl blew on the glass to clear out the dirt and slipped them back on, and glanced at her watch. The sky was getting darker.

“I got to go soon. I hope your paycheck is what you deserve.” She said, marching away from him and across the asphalt road, entering her house and shutting the door.

Pi moved back to the swing. He stared at the envelope one last time, before deciding the best time to open it was now, before anyone else could disturb him. He tore the top of the envelope, and let the check drift onto his hand.

He smiled. It was really there. His mind raced, hoping it was enough to spend it. His heart skipped, simply thinking about his plans.

“I could help my sister pay off those medical bills…” he quietly said to himself, as the breeze tussled his hair. However, the wind was not to blame for the goose bumps rising every part of his skin the moment he opened the envelope.

The check was there, but the amount was only three dollars and fourteen cents.
Author's Note:

This is concept piece for a story I'm developing. Since this was more practice than actual story line, I decided to upload it in hopes of getting second opinions and tips. While I don't expect anyone to ask, feel free to ask questions about the story, as well as offer advice. BE AS HARSH AS NEEDED.

Summary:

Pi, a young teenager, doesn't like change. Upon finally receiving what he considers his first "true" payment, he's overwhelmed with what he can do with it. As he walks home, he notices a childhood memory, a playground, and how it's slowly changing. Although it was always a place he could spend time alone, it doesn't stay that way for long. A girl, who just moved in across the street, tries to connect with him, only to realize Pi's problem isn't just being lonely, but also pushing away and judging anyone that doesn't seem to be likely to understand him. Though deep down, Pi doesn't mean to be that way, it's still how he acts. Once the girl leaves, he looks at the envelope containing the check, and opens it only to realize he's made a fool of himself.

Questions for the reader:

What was the tone of the piece, and how well did it flow with the story?
What message does each character send, are they developed enough for this story?
Is his the fact his sister is hospitalized not clear enough?
Was the ending confusing/disappointing?
How good was the imagery compared to the characters and vice versa?
What should I name the girl in the story, or does girl suffice?



Copyright:

Full copyright belongs to ~saevusWinds. Her work may not be distributed, copied, or sold without her complete consent or prior knowledge. All characters, imagery, etc are property of her. Please respect her rights and avoid copyright infringement, as she really isn't worth getting in trouble for. If you like the story, tell her and favorite this page. Do not download.

Excess Information:

Personal blog: [link]
Useful Writing Advice blog: [link]
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-09-11
3.14 by ~saevusWinds ( Featured by BeccaJS )
:iconc-a-harland:
C-A-Harland Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Student Writer
Hi, this is a critique on behalf of :iconwriters--club:

The flow of this piece is lovely, you write succinctly and evocatively, however I'm not sure of the setting/country or his age. His narrative voice is quite young and innocent/naive sounding, same goes for the girl when she first appears, but you say she’s a teenager, making me wonder if he is too as he doesn’t refer to her being “older”

 

What was the tone of the piece, and how well did it flow with the story?

Seemed to alternate between subdued, anxious and excited, which is good really as it keeps up the interest.


What message does each character send, are they developed enough for this story?

I like the contrast between Pi and the girl, they are quite clearly from very different walks of life, and her actions and comments show up how removed he is from your average modern boy.


Is his the fact his sister is hospitalized not clear enough?

The mention of medical bills made it clear enough, however it would have been nice to have a little more suggestion as to what her condition was, whether it be an injury, long term illness or something potentially life-threatening. Also, is the sister an older sibling, who he looks up to and respects, or a younger sibling who he feels protective of and responsible for? I get the feeling they’re orphans, so some more information on the sister’s importance to him would be great.


Was the ending confusing/disappointing?

The ending was both sad and almost ironic and brings back the question of where in the world is this?


How good was the imagery compared to the characters and vice versa?

You create some fantastic imagery here, such as “eaten whole by the horizon” and “The rain rose out of the pavement and suspended itself in the air”. However I find it difficult to picture Pi. The girl is said to have brown hair, pale skin and is obviously financially well off (compared to him at least) but this doesn’t help me to picture Pi. A lot of description of his appearance would feel clunky in this piece, so I’m not suggesting you do that, however some clearer indications of his age, ethnicity and even clothing would help the reader to visualize him more clearly.


What should I name the girl in the story, or does girl suffice? 

At this stage I don’t think she needs a name, her role is to better illustrate his standing and view of the world and she does that. Naming her would be unnecessary.

 

You mentioned this being part of a larger work, and as such I think the characters and pacing work well. Enough is given to introduce them, but still leave room for development as the story goes on. Immediate setting is described very well, as I said, you use some lovely and evocative descriptions, but a little more info on the wider context (such as a city, region, country, even if it’s a fictional land) would help the reader to see everything a bit clearer.

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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconsupershadowhuntr95:
supershadowhuntr95 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The tone seems one of naïveté, as far as Pi is concerned. Yes, he is aware of problems going on around him, but his hopefulness seems to bring in a naive contradiction to his boss and the real world. I like how this particular tone flows, making Pi seem a bit detached is something that could be very fun to run with and see how his attitude changes. 

Pi: hopeful, naive, a bit oblivious. Very well developed. 
The boss: harsh, penny-pinching. Developed, but a bit typical for a boss character in a story.
The girl: nerdy, different with her all-black clothing, warm. Contrasting traits to his character make her a perfectly developed character for the story. 

The hospitalization of the sister is a bit vague. By medical bills, the reader can assume that Pi's sister deals with health problems, but it's not exactly evident that she is hospitalized. 

The ending was predictable in the low amount of the check, but I enjoyed the twist of linking the numerical value in with the character. The value of the check also gives the boss a bit of intelligence - it may be cruel, but it shows that he's not just another greedy, clueless idiot. 

Imagery was spot on. To be honest, I'm a bit jealous that I can't write with this same clear, flawless composition. 

"Girl" will do for now. If you plan to add to the story, details going further into her background and character may help you formulate a good fit for her name. 


Now, my question: is Pi Indian? Not to be racist or anything, but I pictured him as such while reading this piece.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you very much. 

your question: No, but feel free to have a headcanon!
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:iconscienceisanart:
scienceisanart Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I was left with a couple of mysteries that, if elaborated upon and explained, might really help your story. When exactly is this supposed to take place? What sort of country? And how much is the money worth? Just wondering
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Student General Artist
Quite unusual... it didn't really seem to have a complete storyline, but now that I read the summary I think I get it now.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Student Writer
It didn't. It was just meant as practice. I didn't realize it would get attention.
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Student General Artist
:D Fair enough.
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Student Writer
:)
Reply
:iconasvoria1:
Asvoria1 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Student General Artist

This is a lovely story, and I'm not sure I can say anything that hasn't already been said by other people ^^;

the flow was nice and there was enough information to keep me enthralled with the story:) There was lots of wonderful imagery and I could clearly picture what you were describing.

The ending was slightly expected. Given the way you described the man giving Pi his paycheck I guessed that the amount would be very little, if there was even anything in it at all.

I think that "girl" is sufficient, and it allows the readers to come up with their own name for her :)

The main things I had problems with were (there's only 3 small things)

"...a thin, closed envelope that still smelled like the old, summered books that must have been stacked in between it at one point." makes it sound like the books were in between the check.

The character being named Pi (a point I know has been brought up repeatedly) while interesting, only makes me think of "the Life of Pi" as opposed to your character.

Last thing, the fact that Pi's sister was hospitalized is clear, but as to whether or not she is still alive is unclear. I get the feeling she isn't, but that may just be me.

Overall, this is a wonderful story:)

 

Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconluvs-purple:
Luvs-Purple Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
like the life of pi the movie?

Reply
:iconyuuza:
Yuuza Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
hello, sorry i can't answer all the questions but i'll say the things that stood out to me the most, first of all i think your way of writing is brilliant, how you choose your words and sentences, your 'voice' was what kept me reading. There's one thing i really didn't like, and that is the fact that the character's name is Pi, it really reminds me of Life of Pi and i'm pretty sure that's what inspired you to choose this name. But it feels like a rip off and i think you could have done much better to choose an original name on your own. ^^ sorry if i was a little too blunt
Reply
:iconsteve-c2:
Steve-C2 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013
Oh, well, an invitation to answer questions.  :)  Since I do the same on my writing, I'll do my best to answer your questions.

I'm not sure about how to answer the first question; I got a sad feeling out of the piece, and yes it did flow well.  Or, at least that's what I thought.

Pi seems to be an overwhelmed young boy, trying to take on a whole lot more of a burden than what he should have to.  The man in the rain suit seems to be a bit of an unpleasant fellow, and it's only proven when Pi opens his check.  The girl seems to be a cheerful, free spirited individual, kind of the polar opposite of Pi (and to be perfectly honest if this is part of a larger work, I'd have to admit hoping that the two become good friends).

I got the point that his sister at least was hospitalized, but when he suggests paying off the medical bills, I personally did not get the impression that she still was.

I don't think the ending was confusing or disappointing; I certainly felt bad for Pi and wanted to punch the guy who handed him the check ($3.14 is not a paycheck, mind you; that's an insult to mock a name)

For now, "girl" will suffice.  More than once, I've written a story in which a character that interacts with a main character, is never named.  I wouldn't presume to suggest a name for you, since she's your character.  It may be interesting, if she does become a principal character, to keep her name a secret for a while.  (In fact, I just had an idea, myself, for a short story, heh)

Other stuff.

I like the amount of effort put into the imagery.  There's enough so you can see, and get a feel for the characters, yet not so much that the story is lost to descriptions (which, as a reader, is something that drives me bonkers).

The characters were easy to understand, at least from my point.  Again, there's enough so I feel for Pi, don't like the guy who talks to him, and I feel bad for the girl!  Pi is all defensive and alone ... she's just good natured and curious.  The characters seemed easily relatable.

One thing that I was wondering.  At the beginning, Pi is mentioned as having only a thin layer of sludge between him and the air ... did he have clothes on or did he get dressed later?  I am curious about what he does, but a bit more curious as to how long he works.

For me, the story was interesting, and I was easily pulled in, and found it easy to read, and I liked that.  And of course, I enjoyed it.

So, overall, nicely done.  Congratulations on the DD

Cheers. :)
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
    I find parts of myself in this story. Very well written!
    Have a nice day! :heart:
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you very much.
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem :rose:
Reply
:iconmystoftime:
mystoftime Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
This story has a lot of potential, with an intriguing concept and characters that seem to have rich, vivid backstories. However, the flow of the story left something to be desired. At various points throughout this piece, the writing began to meander- especially during scene transitions and when trying to communicate Pi's thoughts. Sometimes misplaced pronouns also created a problem, like here: "...a thin, closed envelope that still smelled like the old, summered books that must have been stacked in between it at one point." It's written as if the books were between the envelope and not the other way around. 'That' should be replaced with 'it' which should be moved from the end of the sentence. The sequence of events is here is this piece, but it needs some fine-tuning to get to the level where it can be understood clearly and enjoyed immensely. I hope this critique was helpful, and if you need any clarification don't hesitate to ask. Great job, and I look forward to seeing more from this concept! :)
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much for an honest and insightful critique!!! :D
Reply
:iconmystoftime:
mystoftime Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Anytime! Writers should help each other out ^^ I hope you continue to hear more from you soon.
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student Writer
Awww! Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconeternaldarkdragoness:
EternalDarkDragoness Featured By Owner May 18, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
This piece was very good. With all descriptions of how things sounded; I found it all very real. like I could actually hear and see what was happening. "Pi moved back to the swing. He stared at the envelope one last time, before deciding the best time to open it was now, before anyone else could disturb him. He tore the top of the envelope, and let the check drift onto his hand.
He smiled. It was really there. His mind raced, hoping it was enough to spend it. His heart skipped, simply thinking about his plans.
“I could help my sister pay off those medical bills…” he quietly said to himself, as the breeze tussled his hair. However, the wind was not to blame for the goose bumps rising every part of his skin the moment he opened the envelope.
The check was there, but the amount was only three dollars and fourteen cents." While reading this part I felt like I could feel Pi's emotions as he opened the envelope hoping for it to be enough money. While it was shown that it wasn't enough money it was very symbolic because of his name being Pi. I think this story was very well written.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner May 19, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconeternaldarkdragoness:
EternalDarkDragoness Featured By Owner May 20, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
ur welcome
Reply
:icontanakane:
tanakane Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Student General Artist
Creepy... I'm a potterhead and was born on March 14th.
Pretty good story though.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013  Student Writer
Oh wow! Thanks. :)
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:iconashesonfire:
ashesonfire Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Very beautiful. Love the descriptive narration.

"Before Pi could object, he found her sitting next to him on the open swing, taking off her glasses for a moment to clean them using the soft sleeves of her jacket, which was designed for some sort of computer RPG game which Pi only knew from advertisements he'd see in the magazines the hospital collected and placed in the various waiting rooms." That part seems to be a bit of a run-on, and could flow a bit better by using a semicolon or breaking it up into a few sentences.


What message does each character send, are they developed enough for this story? He seems down but hopeful at the same time. He has debt, but room to grow if you felt like writing another story with him, or writting more to the story.
Is his the fact his sister is hospitalized not clear enough? You can tell that she has been to the hospital, but it was not clear that she was still in there.
Was the ending confusing/disappointing? It's not confusing, I feel bad for the poor kid though.
How good was the imagery compared to the characters and vice versa? The imagery was my favorite part :D Very well written
What should I name the girl in the story, or does girl suffice? Girl seems to serve her purpose. It gives her a sense of mystery and detachment.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much! I've been very busy lately, but once I'm a little cleared up, I could try to critique something written by you. I'm sorry for the big delay.
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:iconashesonfire:
ashesonfire Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are so welcome! I hope my review helped a bit :D I understand being busy, trust me! I'd love you to critique something when you get time :D Thank you.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2013  Student Writer
I'm sorry I didn't see this! Send me something via notes so I dont forget again!
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:iconsirius-the-dog:
Sirius-the-Dog Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Let’s begin with a basic line by line, as I usually do:

Your opening paragraph is at odds with the rest of the story. I’m not sure what the boy is doing for work but it certainly seems distasteful. Once we move on from this moment, however, the job he seems to be doing is irrelevant.

Your opening sentence is an attention grabber, which is nice. It is lengthy though. That is something to consider.

I like the visceral description you use, but you’re getting too wordy with it. You can still be visceral, but your word economy is lacking. Good use of the active voice.

Boisterous boats reads comically.

“You. Your shift’s been outta here for an hour… We don’t pay ya to loiter after your deed is done.” This dialogue is staged and cumbersome. Try to give it a more natural flow. “Deed is done” gives a somewhat ominous tone that puts a large question mark on what it was the boy actually just did.

“rat-boy” Perhaps it is because of my experience, but I prefer villainous and mean-spirited types of men to throw down some heavier words than that. Anyone who pays a kid 3.14 dollars in wages is probably mean-spirited or grandfather who used to teach math.

I’d leave out Pi introducing his self in dialogue. Start out with “Pi sat on the edge” in your first line and let the reader work out that Pi also means 3.14. You might be afraid that people could confuse your piece with “Life of Pi” fanfic. Screw those people.

As Pi walks away, there’s a lot of description. I think you can ease up a bit and check your word choice and sentence structure. Simplicity often means clarity. I kept getting caught up in the tangles of your words here.

“red tainting the sky” should be tinting, I think.

“Thunderstorm the following afternoon…” should be previous instead of following.

Just an example of where you’re getting wordy. “The rain rose out of the pavement and suspended itself in the air, leaving the air thick and muggy.” Cut it down a bit and make it more manageable. Let the reader feel the sensation instead of see it. “The air felt thick and muggy. Sweat soaked his back.” Consider the situation too. If the air is thick and muggy, it’s hot. Sweat can feel cold in these situations but after a bit of a rest only, so wait for that description until Pi has waited a while.

Your description of the playground is tangled as well. You’re waxing poetic. Remember that prose is not poetry. Your story is where the art lies; your words are the vessel. Don’t restrict yourself to grayscale of course, but remember that clarity trumps all.

“This is still our place” I love this bit here. This speaks volumes and says very little. Even so, I’m not sure what the significance of this moment is, which robs it of its power and leaves me with only questions.

The description of her jacket is unnecessary. It would suffice to say, “she wore a jacket”.

When Pi notices how she looks with the glasses, the text becomes awkward. Try this instead. “The girl dropped the glasses onto her nose. They were red. Pi thought he liked the look of them. They muted the imperfections of a teenage complexion.” I’m probably abusing the period here. I’m fond of it lately.

‘ere. For the most part, leave out accent marks. Readers hear their own voice when they read. Unless it’s absolutely necessary to disrupt that pattern, don’t bother. (I break this rule all the time. Really, it’s about judging when you can and when you can’t and it’s hard to quantify it)

Your dialogue between Pi and the girl goes well until you get to “He who must not be named” which is so incredibly awkward. I followed the exchange after a few reads. It’s funny, but doesn’t really lend anything to the story. Use this opportunity to reveal more about Pi instead.

“An inquisitive thief” I don’t know how old Pi is, but bear in mind his vocabulary usage.

Mind you don’t overuse the comma in the same way I overuse the period.

General Review:

Your focus with the piece is wandering. You need to find your central thread as well as your characters purpose and past to really fill this thing in. Give Pi a past and a life and watch the rest of him fill in. The story will begin to write itself.

Your usage of the active voice is great. I like that you still use passive voice too. It means you’re learning to balance showing with telling.

Your dialogue needs work. I think I’ve told you this before. I can’t give you too many thoughts on how to improve this other than keep listening to conversations and mimic them. Maybe write a conversation down, then write a story to match it (or not match it). Write out whole conversations without actually doing any prose. Let the speaking part of your brain work.

More characterization. The characters are incidental here. With the obscure plot, they are not helping you out. Make them work for you.

Use all 5 senses.

Now for your questions:

What was the tone of the piece, and how well did it flow with the story?

The tone of the piece is melancholy. It reminds me very much of a spring or summer day just before a rain is about to come, like there is something oppressive about to hit but it’s not here yet. I think it does well for what you’re trying to get at. Which is good news. Well done! I’m so proud.

What message does each character send, are they developed enough for this story?

I’m not sure the characters send any message except for the girl, whose message is one of vanity. Pi seems to care about his family but we don’t get much on that. You could spend a lot more time developing this. Don’t be afraid to either. People love drama.

Is his the fact his sister is hospitalized not clear enough?

It’s clear. Might be clearer sooner, based on your purpose.

Was the ending confusing/disappointing?

Confusing. I don’t know how old Pi is so I’m not sure if his paycheck is awesome or a kick in the teeth. Also, I don’t think the amount needs to be included. I’m actually not sure what the significance of his name is in the whole story.

How good was the imagery compared to the characters and vice versa?

Imagery was much better than the characterization. Both need development as I have already outlined.

What should I name the girl in the story, or does girl suffice?

I don’t know if it makes it more powerful. But the girl doesn’t need a name. Pi doesn’t really need a name either. I like no name stories.

Overall:
As per usual my reviews are filled with all sorts of “you did this wrong”. That’s a character flaw, I’m having it checked. So let me heap some praise on you in the meantime. I’m very happy to see how you are progressing. Each piece you write makes you better and each piece your finish makes you that much more. I hope that you see this one to its completion because I see potential here.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you very much! I see your points, and I'll see what I can do to fix them. Since I'm planning on making this a novel, I know now what to be more aware of and expand on in the mean time.
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:iconthecheshercat:
TheChesherCat Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
D: That's not very nice. On anyone's part. Except the girl's. (Whose namelessness I think is fine.)
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks for reading my story!
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:iconthecheshercat:
TheChesherCat Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem, I quite liked it. :meow:
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you!
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much!
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:iconthenimster:
TheNimster Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ok, I found you via the forums where you asked for a critique, and I have to say this is a nice piece of work you have written.

I like your descriptive tone, the way you build ambiance and environment. It paints the surroundings very well and goes in tone with the characters. I like that kind of attention to detail ,it's not easy to come by people who have such a clear and rich image in their head with talent to describe it so well. The main theme and core of this piece of work is excellent, I really enjoyed it and I think analyzing it was really time well spent.

I like the dialogue, your characters sound real and I can see their psyche following their personality constantly, so I get the sense of Pi as a person, which is what I think characterization is all about.

'For Pi, it offered comfort, knowing forever wasn’t always constant'

This is the line that got me thinking you're a thoughtful and excellent writer, it is so full of meaning it gave me shivers.

However, a few things I think you should improve are:

1.) 'Pi took a deep breath as he felt his cool sweat rush down his back, leaving small lines of goose bumps in only small lines. '

I think there is no need to repeat yourself this way. It's important to be descriptive, I respect you for this, but you needn't repeat yourself. Always proof read before posting.

2.) ' Pi eyed her harshly, but the look he gave her back only hit his own gut.'

My guess is you wanted to write '...the look she gave him back' as what you wrote doesn't make sense to me. If I am wrong, please explain why, but if I am right then I repeat my advice for you to proof read work and correct before posting.

All in all, these are minor technicalities and your description and verbal painting outstand them by far, I consider this a great piece of writing and will be reading more of your work in the future. Your depth of attention toward detail is amazing.

If you'd take your time to critique back on my short story, I'd be grateful. I wrote two parts and am coming up with more. Here's the link to part one:

[link]
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
Wow. Thank you so much for this critique! Your words and advice were very helpful and lovely, and I will gladly read and critique your piece! There's a blizzard going on right now, so if it takes a little bit that's probably why. I can't wait to read your story, and I hope I am just as helpful as you were.
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:iconthenimster:
TheNimster Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Read it through when you have the time, thanks. If you know anyone that's into sci-fi, if you could suggest it, that would also be good. I find finding readers extremely hard work.
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Student Writer
I have finally made time to read, analyze, and critic your story. Sorry it took so long, but I hope you at least find my thoughts through.
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:icondatas-girl:
Datas-Girl Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my... This was a powerful piece, even though it was short. The imagery was captivating, and from the very beginning I was sucked in and placed in the scene, standing off to the side while he sat on the pier, and running along with him as he rushed home. I honestly felt emotionally moved at the end. There was a very bitter irony about the amount of money in the envelope.

You have a great talent for writing. Keep it up.

(Oh gawd I suck at comments)
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
Oh wow...thank you so much! It means a lot to me... I have hopes to expand this story, and to know I have the power to physically move people is so encouraging. I was actually afraid people on deviantart wouldn't want to read it due to it being 4 pages long, not double spaced, so the fact that you said it was short really helps tell me it keeps the reader's interest.

I agree that the imagery is the strongest piece about this piece. The places I described were from real places I've lived as a military child.

The dock was based off one I used to bike to in Florida, and occasionally we'd drive our boat on it. There were certain seasons where a green sludge would take over the water, exploding due to all the fertilizer and run off...it caused a ton of problems when there was too much of it, fish died, and in some areas, it didn't smell all too great.

The playground is based on one I saw in Massachusetts, which I passed by everyday when the bus picked me up from school. We lived on a military base as well. There would be times when I would be there, walking either my dog or the ones I were dog-sitting. Something I always noticed is that not a lot of people were there very often. Maybe a girl or two on a Saturday, but that was it. I also used elements of the playground on the Pennsylvania base I lived on as a really small child.

Oh man, I wrote too much. Thank you so much, and your comment was only superb.
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:icondatas-girl:
Datas-Girl Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think it's fantastic that you were able to draw on your own experiences to make this story. I live in Pennsylvania, and I know of a few places that are similar to what you described, so it made it easier to imagine the scenes in my mind. You obviously took great care with the words and comparisons you chose for this story.

I would truly love to read an expansion on this story. I think I'm going to have to deviantwatch you to see it if you do indeed decide to write it.

I found your story through The Written Revolution... There are some real gems in that group, like this story. Please keep on writing... you're an inspiration. :)

(Oh god another long comment ;_; )
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
Oh that's super neat! Glad you were able to relate to the story some. It always makes it easier to read.

Oh wow, really? Thanks! I've been so busy lately, but if I have "post-able" stuff, I'll let you know!

Yes! I love that group so much. It's the best literature and feedback community, it's easily my favorite group. I read amazing works and meet incredible people.

An inspiration?! Oh wow, I'm not sure about that!

(It's okay, I write a lot too.)
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:icondatas-girl:
Datas-Girl Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, you're an inspiration for me, at least. ^^;
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
That means so much to me, wow...
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:icondatas-girl:
Datas-Girl Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Anytime, really... :)
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:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks :)
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