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Crayons"What are you drawing?"

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ii.
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I sit up just as an insistent whisper starts. "Who's there?" I say loudly.

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MelissaYou wring out your dishrag and shake it, watching the droplets catch the light. It's morning and you have all the windows open to let the summer air move though the house. Dawn was barely two hours ago and you've already finished having breakfast and cleaning the house. The whole day stretches out, lazy like a cat, faintly golden as pollen drifts through the air from your garden.
A bee drifts lazily through the air and alights on your outstretched hand. She walks across your palm before flying off again, like a little hello. You follow her through the kitchen and out the back door. Your garden is a thick, wild tangle, only half cultivated an

thoughts of youi would like to remember you by your silences, by the tiny nuances and way you wrote your words slanted. i hold onto the moments at night when i am neither sad nor lonely without you, and i always wish they would stay a bit longer. you were like my favourite ring that i wore everyday, and then suddenly one day you were gone; lost to a sink or a street sewer.

i will always think of you as a piece of art-strokes of colour and longing and mess all balled up into one tiny portrait. you are a thought in my heart that is always warm with remembrance and peace. sometimes i wonder if you think of me at night, if in your heart you remember me as a so

You Dont Have to ListenI cried over you that night. I know. It was stupid. Such a typical hormonal thing for a teenage girl to do. It wasn't the end of the world, you're just some stupid teenage boy, and I never expected this to go anywhere but I couldn't help but hoping.

No. That first month, we were fine; easy. We hugged a couple of times, you'd walk me to class, and whisper me goodbye where no one else would hear. Nothing too special, or out of the ordinary. And there's no telling how many times I was tempted to kiss you on your cheek, just once… something enough to make you blush, but not enough for you to respond. You were too shy for things like that. Y

poor unfortunate soulsyou don't like sitting under the eye of the sun as it begins to close, because the sun is like your three-year-old daughter, suddenly full of questions right before she's about to go to sleep. watching the golden drop lazily descend makes you realize how solid you are upon the dark earth, you breathe the gravity, the shadows tug at your back, the eye is half closed and it can still burn right through you with a million questions you can't answer with heavy lungs. you don't have to love it but you wish you didn't dislike it. you wish you didn't care. her blanket is the sea when she's pretending to be the little mermaid and you wish you had ten

MasteryShe scurries along the street, feeling like a mouse as she cowers from those who pass her, averting her eyes from their curious stares. You're not going to be late, she thinks over and over, trying to reassure herself even as she knows all too well what will await her when she finally arrives.

"Damnit!" she curses under her breath, key fumbling in the lock; her hands shake too much, and she has to stop, breathing deeply and hoarsely, before she is finally able to open the door. She does this cautiously, almost with terror, stepping into the darkness of the large, spacious apartment that she shouldn't be able to afford. This feeling of une

12.30.it still hurts -

that place deep inside where my children have grown to shadows of dervishes and died, bled and brutalized and sucked away; wrapped up and discarded in worn old cotton sheets and the sterile blank wastelands of hospital hazard containers.

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Broken in the Snow

by ~saevusWinds, Jan 31, 2012, 2:24:19 PM
Literature / Prose / Fiction / General Fiction / Short Stories

"I'm gonna go home before it gets dark," Liboria said.

"Lib, you promised," he whined.

"Yeah, whatever. Just wait a sec," she said, grasping for a good place to pull herself up.

The barren branches clawed at her as she climbed to the top of the tree. Liboria's heavy boots made the bark crumble, revealing a cream color wood that was smooth and slick. Crows cawed out to the gray sky, which only replied with their echo. It was getting late.

There was a boy sitting in the snow below. His blue lips quivered. He stuffed his pink, frigid fingers into his coat pocket and winced in pain. His nose was redder than his cheeks.

"My hands hurt." Amos shivered.

"I don't see you helping," she snapped.

"But you did it!" Amos yelled.

Liboria growled as she lifted her body to the next branch. Her orange hair whipped around in wind like active flames. Her eyes, like a hawk's, fixed on the lime color kite as if it were her prey. She straddled the branch and stretched her arms as far as possible. The kite was just inches out of reach, tangled in a branch above her. She let out a cry of frustration.

"Did'ja get it?" Amos asked, standing up.

"Amos!" she shouted.

His eyes grew round like snowballs, and salty tears threatened to roll off his face. He frowned and rubbed his sleeve against his nose.

"Meanie!" Amos exclaimed, stomping his foot.

Her fingertips touched the kite enough to pull it closer to her other hand. The kite's string snapped with one powerful yank, allowing the diamond to nose dive into the snow below. Amos' heart dropped as he looked at the crumbled heap of lime paper and snapped sticks.

"There. Got it back." Liboria said, climbing down the tree.

"You…" Amos said, his voice just as broken as the kite.

"What now?" she sighed, allowing her attention to drift to Amos rather than the branches.

He scooped up the remnants of his kite and lifted it above his head.

"Seriously," she said, "Serves you right for not catching it."

She misplaced her foot and lost her grip. For a second, she hung by one hand, but the branch snapped, flinging her to the icy ground. She felt one of her legs twist, and they both heard a snap, like the sound from biting into a fresh carrot.

"Lib!" Amos yelled out, "Are you--"

Liboria's leg couldn't support her weight when she tried to stand. She soon was down again.

"You always ruin everything!" she wailed in fury.

Amos threw the useless pieces of kite as hard as he could into the snow before running in the direction of the wind.

Broken in the Snowby ~saevusWinds

Literature / Prose / Fiction / General Fiction / Short Stories

Just some more dialogue practice.

I made the kids' names correspond to what they are or partially symbolize. Liboria translates to "freedom" while Amos means "burden giver".

Is the season properly described?
Are the characters interesting to read?
Do I use good amounts of imagery?
What was your favorite part?
What was your least favorite part?

critique:[link]

edit: Special thanks to

and

for offering such great tips and advice! I've edited some parts of the story, I hope I managed to make it feel more interesting!

Oh wow a DLD? Im so honored! Go check out the other deviations that got featured on 2/21/12 too! [link]

Critique by `Infinite-Heart Apr 17, 2012, 2:14:26 PM

I like this!~ I think it's pretty good, but there are some things I should suggest.

I think some details in some dialogue would help in certain places. Like the first line could be improved by saying, " I'm gonna go home before it gets dark," Liboria said. I'd add, Liboria said in an urgent voice.

Some dialogue strings are too similar. As in this structure, "INSERT WITTY DIALOGUE HERE," description of what the voice said... I think using more sentence stuctures like ,

"WORDS," said blah blah, " jsdkafljs;lk"

Or, she whispered, " " So that way the dialogue is mixed up.

Other than that, most of the details are interesting. A few similies are fine,and I like the emotion in the story.

Great read!~

What do you think?

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Critique by `OfOneSoul Mar 6, 2012, 3:54:50 PM

When I began going through the deviations you linked me, strangely enough I was put off by the short length of this piece. Wow, I regret that now.

Although this was a quick read, the story was interesting and well-developed. The characters were so very believable, as was their dialogue. I read in your artist's comments that you were working on your dialogue specifically, and I would like to point out that you did a terrific job here.

Your use of dialogue helped with the flow of the piece, and enhanced our attachment to the characters. The reason I decided to feature THIS piece in the contest is because of the immense amounts of imagery that accompanied it whilst reading.

I can visualize so many images and continued fan-fictions from these characters.

One suggestion, in the line "The kite was just inches out of reach, tangled a branch above her." Shouldn't it be, "The kite was just inches out of reach, tangled in a branch above her"? I praised the piece throughout this critique and wanted to offer a slight suggestion.

Once again, a wonderful story, and I can't wait to see what entrants create from it.

*OfOneSoul

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`Kneeling-Glory Apr 26, 2012 Hobbyist Writer

Your work has been featured here: [link]

~saevusWinds Apr 28, 2012 Student General Artist

Thank you!

~Lottie-Girl Mar 7, 2012 Student General Artist

Funnily enough I wrote about a kite stuck in a tree in a poem of mine recently, so it was nice to see a narrative about it, you did it justice.

~saevusWinds Mar 7, 2012 Student General Artist

Oh, well, I'm glad you liked my story, but I didn't base it off anything

Great minds think alike though!

~Lottie-Girl Mar 8, 2012 Student General Artist

HAHA yes

~saevusWinds Mar 9, 2012 Student General Artist

=DailyLitDeviations Feb 20, 2012

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by

ing the News Article.

~saevusWinds Feb 21, 2012 Student General Artist

Thank you so much! And done!

=DailyLitDeviations Feb 23, 2012

You are quite welcome!

~saevusWinds Feb 24, 2012 Student General Artist

I am!

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