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Literature Text
Standing on the side of the old oak schoolhouse, graffiti lingers on the wood. People stroll
nearby, along square sidewalks, carrying their umbrellas in one hand and their briefcases in the
other. The adults scoff in disgust as they see the assortment of colors, some even announcing,
"What is that? Some kind of art? That's disgraceful." Despite the harsh words, the graffiti
remains, as if it knew they were plagued by ignorance. They didn't know who the graffiti was
supposed to be, or what it was supposed to mean, they only knew they didn't like it. The sides of
the schoolhouse rested just close enough to the pavement to allow those nearby to hear the most
miraculous conversations. Some talks featured giddy gentlemen singing show tunes, while others
were of whiny women gossiping. On more common occasions, charming children laughing and
yelling were heard.
As the clouds slowly encased the city's skyscrapers with a threating blanket of gray, the
school house's doors swung open as a flood of children rushed out like rapids. As the last few
trickled out, a girl gracefully stepped away from the doors of the building. Something caught her
eyes before her blue Mary-Janes landed on the sidewalk. Her eyes wandered to the left side of
the school house, intrigued.
"Hello?" the girl said, striding back to the front of the schoolhouse.
Her body was still in the front of the building, but her hands gripped the edge as her head
was turned to get a better glance at the design, luring her in. Before she knew what she was
doing, she found herself inches away from a different world. A world of wonder, one made of
dreams. Her pale lips twisted into a smile.
The first layer of paint was a bright blue, serving as the background so the image would
be clear and crisp. The girl noticed the bright blue alone was a lot like a blank page of a book,
plain and empty. The second layer was a bit more detailed, with the lavender clouds up at the top
of the picture. Green ribbons winded and swerved like hills towards the bottom. On the third
layer, beautiful teal tulips and orange swirls finished off the image, making the piece seem
complete. She reached out and put her hand on the piece, wishing she would fall in.
Suddenly, she felt water tap her shoulder, and another. Soon, it started to rain harder, and
as small amounts of paint rushed off of the wood, some of the paint stuck to her hand. The girl
ran home, trying to avoid being drenched, while only some of the graffiti lingered on the wood.
nearby, along square sidewalks, carrying their umbrellas in one hand and their briefcases in the
other. The adults scoff in disgust as they see the assortment of colors, some even announcing,
"What is that? Some kind of art? That's disgraceful." Despite the harsh words, the graffiti
remains, as if it knew they were plagued by ignorance. They didn't know who the graffiti was
supposed to be, or what it was supposed to mean, they only knew they didn't like it. The sides of
the schoolhouse rested just close enough to the pavement to allow those nearby to hear the most
miraculous conversations. Some talks featured giddy gentlemen singing show tunes, while others
were of whiny women gossiping. On more common occasions, charming children laughing and
yelling were heard.
As the clouds slowly encased the city's skyscrapers with a threating blanket of gray, the
school house's doors swung open as a flood of children rushed out like rapids. As the last few
trickled out, a girl gracefully stepped away from the doors of the building. Something caught her
eyes before her blue Mary-Janes landed on the sidewalk. Her eyes wandered to the left side of
the school house, intrigued.
"Hello?" the girl said, striding back to the front of the schoolhouse.
Her body was still in the front of the building, but her hands gripped the edge as her head
was turned to get a better glance at the design, luring her in. Before she knew what she was
doing, she found herself inches away from a different world. A world of wonder, one made of
dreams. Her pale lips twisted into a smile.
The first layer of paint was a bright blue, serving as the background so the image would
be clear and crisp. The girl noticed the bright blue alone was a lot like a blank page of a book,
plain and empty. The second layer was a bit more detailed, with the lavender clouds up at the top
of the picture. Green ribbons winded and swerved like hills towards the bottom. On the third
layer, beautiful teal tulips and orange swirls finished off the image, making the piece seem
complete. She reached out and put her hand on the piece, wishing she would fall in.
Suddenly, she felt water tap her shoulder, and another. Soon, it started to rain harder, and
as small amounts of paint rushed off of the wood, some of the paint stuck to her hand. The girl
ran home, trying to avoid being drenched, while only some of the graffiti lingered on the wood.
This was for a project in Creative Writing class. We had to describe our writing style in one huge metaphor, so while some people played it simple with dogs and rocks, I decided, "Hey I know what I'm going to do! I'm going to do graffiti and make everything have some sort of metaphor in it!" It was so hard to write...
The graffiti is the main metaphor and symbolizes my writing.
The girl symbolizes those inspired about my writing and art.
The rain symbolizes either the hard parts about writing or new beginnings.
The city symbolizes everyone else's art and writing.
The school house represents the fact I'm still learning.
And there's a lot more, smaller ones as well, but those are the main ones.
Please comment and critique! I would really appreciate it!
For the tWR:
Critique:
What is the strongest part of my story?
Do you feel the metaphors are interesting and somewhat apparent?
Does the story paint a good image in one's mind?
Anything I can improve on?
The graffiti is the main metaphor and symbolizes my writing.
The girl symbolizes those inspired about my writing and art.
The rain symbolizes either the hard parts about writing or new beginnings.
The city symbolizes everyone else's art and writing.
The school house represents the fact I'm still learning.
And there's a lot more, smaller ones as well, but those are the main ones.
Please comment and critique! I would really appreciate it!
For the tWR:
Critique:
What is the strongest part of my story?
Do you feel the metaphors are interesting and somewhat apparent?
Does the story paint a good image in one's mind?
Anything I can improve on?
© 2012 - 2024 saevuswinds
Comments31
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Overall
Vision Originality Technique ImpactA great concept, interestingly put across. The clarity and vision of youth is very clearly shown, as is the ignorance of those who've 'grown past' that age of innocence.
Sometimes, however, the prose feels a little rushed or squashed together. The paragraph detailing the graffiti in particular feels as though it could do with a little fleshing out. While perhaps the image itself is not so important (more it's existence) a slightly more detailed image would create stronger images in the mind of the reader, making the story more visual:
"The first layer of paint was a bright blue, serving as the backdrop for the painting, making it clear and crisp against the otherwise rotting wood. Alone, the girl could see that it was the blank page of a book, ripe with possibilities and waiting for a hand to make it's mark. A second, more detailed layer, overlaid this blue. Lavender clouds at the top, green ribbons at the base..." etc, etc...
Other than this, there were only a few small, highly nit-picky, points to be made.
"People stroll nearby, along square sidewalks..."
The use of the word stroll is a little jarring. If people stroll, they would be moving at a leisurely pace, which is a little confusing with the sharp, harsh message and words they have for the graffiti upon the wall. Words such as hurried, rushed or even scurried might fit a little better.
"A girl gracefully stepped away from the doors of the building..."
How old is the child intended to be. If it is below ten, then there are very few children of this age who will move out of school with anything resembling grace. The word seems a little out of place and superfluous.
And finally (and again, nit-picky) the final sentence of the story should be the one that stays with the reader when they're done, the one that (in a story such as this) sums up the metaphor. To me, the choice of words felt a little clunky, and was slightly in the way of this message.
"...while only some of the graffiti lingered upon the wood."
In particular, the use of the generalisation "some" adds to this. Perhaps something a little more poetic would finish the piece more memorably.
"The girl ran home, desperate to avoid the rain, while the graffiti ran down the oak, leaving only the faint trace of blue."
Again, I'll say this is a good concept, and the metaphor is well thought out. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>