literature

Waiting

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Literature Text

You don't realize how freaky hospitals are until you walk down the halls full of old people. Everything's always so quiet. Doctors with hushed-but-rushed tones scurry around, and when you finally get to the room-- sharply cut, small and like a deformed heptagon—you look at your father's fake leather slippers which are a red plaid in the inside, your blue middle school track bag your father uses for work and travel, cans of ginger ale and water on the small slender table, and it hits you. Your father was here.

Despite this room having light copper doors,  light sky blue and white walls, there is a huge red sign which in seventy-two font Times New Roman says the two words, "BLEEDING PRECAUTIONS." Then there is the odd off-white television, the weird tannish white tiled floor, and the window that is literally one side of the wall. You look out, only to see past the trees, is a movie theater playing the movie you missed.

Now you are in the "FAMILY WAITING AREA," or at least that's what the small silver plaque hanging on the inside of the window says. Apparently, it was a gift from Dr. and Mrs. Emanuel Landman—that's what the plaque said too. The room you sit in has interesting and exotic plant arrangements in the small cavities of the wall and around the room, all of which are plastic. There is a lot of chairs, all but one a sickly green gray hue. Some of the chairs are solid, some with a square line pattern. One of the chairs though, is a murky magenta. It sticks out just as much as the second television showing the procedure rooms' surgery statuses and times. There are binders and magazines on the small cherry rectangle and square tables. The magazine in your hands is that one with the lizard. You chose this one due to the other magazines being about the hospital, and the binder being full of comics and cartoons mainly for kids. You look at the binder again, putting your magazine on your lap. The binder is labeled: Smiles: Laughter is Still the Best Medicine: The New Yorker. It has two smiles. One is green, the other magenta. A part of you can't help but wonder whether or not they put those colors there on purpose to match the room, or whether it was random. At the bottom, there is a long, all-caps-lock sentence demanding it not to leave the room. There is also the name of the compiler, a woman named Harriet Chmela, who wrote it in memory of you can only assume to be a brother, husband, or son by the name of Albert Chmela.

Abandoned coffee mugs and water bottles are on some of the tables, while a still cold Coca-Cola~ bottle and a bag full of gummy worms is kept close to your eight year old brother. Your mother chats nervously with the other older lady (who is not quite elderly) in the room, before sitting down once more. She picks up the "Smiles" binder. More people file in, three women. One is a mother with a laptop, the other her daughter who is intent on reading her book. The third lady is in a floral blouse, and keeps fluttering like a butterfly trying to find a place to land. Dr. Phil is on the television—who knows why. The episode is something about a naggy wife and her hot-tempered husband who fought too much. The older lady just left now, as she talks to a nurse out in the halls. She comes back in shortly after. Besides the turning of pages by tender hands, the buzzing and talking from the television, and the occasional blaring announcement from the speakers, it's quiet until your nana comes in.
Once the shock wears off, you find yourself waiting and praying--hoping everything will be okay. Trying not to wonder what it will be like if it isn't.

Pray for him if you can? It means a lot.

my father's health edit: My dad is fine now :) Thank you for reading and the thoughts.

literature edit: :iconsirius-the-dog: pointed out some things that I edited a bit.

For twr:

Does this show emotion in a different, but strong way?
Can you easily picture yourself in the scene/ is the imagery strong?
Any thoughts?
critique: [link] / [link]
© 2012 - 2024 saevuswinds
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Sirius-the-Dog's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

Alright, let's begin with the regular stuff. First up is your line by line review and then I'll do a starred review followed by any general comments I have.

"It's really funny" drop this opener and go straight into the "you don't realize". It drops you into second person from the get go.

"and it hits you. To think your father was here" Reads better "and it hits you. Your father was here." Go for the understatement in the understated hospital room.

New paragraph after the father line.

"You look out, past the tremendous trees, and there is the theater, playing the movie you missed." Omit those unnecessary words.

Second paragraph opener. Go from "told you" to "read" or "says" (about the sign).

Misuse of the word "facets"?

I like the description of this waiting room and the queer chair in the middle of it. I want you to focus a little more attention earlier on the gym bag and the items the father has left behind. Paint a picture of the man with this lethargic, melancholy brush.

"The lizard whose name you know" I'd cut out this detail and just describe the magazine.

Lots of extra words in this same lizard paragraph that I think you can do without. Your scene is in bleak tones (metaphorically speaking of course), make sure your sentences reflect that.

I want you to use more strategic paragraph breaks. Abuse the longer pause that the paragraph supplies.

"There are also abandoned" change to "Abandoned coffee mugs lay across the table like..." bust out a simile and drop those nasty passives.

"The episode was" watch that past tense in the present tense piece.

Strong ending. Very strong.

Now for a starred review:

Vision: 4 Stars

Quality. If this is a personal experience as you say, then I think that is the reason you have such clarity of vision here. It's not perfect yet, but you're close to having it right where it needs to be. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but this piece feels like it's in first person even though it's in second person. I think this is because it is so close to you. What I want you to do then, in order to counteract this, is to take a more active role in telling the reader what he sees. By nature, this second person is an intrusive narration and while you should in some ways minimize the intrusion, you should also make it a centerpiece for your work. I know that's a horrible contradiction but so is second person narration. You really have to feel it. I've seen it done so well by others in the past and I really wish I had those examples on hand, but unfortunately you'll have to read around if you want them.

Originality 3 stars

Why would I rate you down on originality? At the risk of sounding like an insensitive prick, family tragedies are not uncommon. I really like, though, that you chose the hard route of taking this on as a second person narrative. I think when you develop it more, you are going to have a truly original piece that people will find themselves nodding their heads to and even experiencing their own pasts through your words and finding that odd sense of commiseration.

Technique 2 Stars

Because it reads like a first person in second person mode I'm rating you down on this. I also had to drop you a bit for the word usage. Tighten up your language and make it work harder for you. I don't know if you're taking poetry classes but I think working with poems might help you, especially prose poems. Now, poetry is something I've never been good at, but studying it and at least trying to use it, has really benefited me and I think, if you aren't already, reading some poetry (especially Robert Frost because he is the bomb dot com) is going to put you in the right mode to write this piece. Melancholy romantics (Percy Bysshe Shelley, who was Mary Shelley's--author of Frakenstein--husband) would also be good, as well as the pastorals from the early 18th century

While this piece is not a stream of consciousness I think you should maybe try writing it as such and then deleting out all the extra thoughts to help maintain the natural feel to it.

Impact: 3.5 Stars

I can't say that I was moved to tears, but I'm a cold insensitive bastard, so there's that. You ended very strongly though and I'm really impressed there. The understated "...it's quiet until your nana comes in." pretty much owns it. It's a lovely hanging ending. That you decide to let the reader decide how it goes is a good move, especially for the second person narrative. In a first person it might leave more questions, but this way, those questions are basically answered. It takes a lot of discipline to end a story on that kind of note as well as some guts, because you are relying on the strength of your writing beforehand. I think you really did well with it.

General Review:

I'd like to say that I am very impressed with how much you've grown as a writer since I read your first piece. What I'm most impressed by is your unabashed usage of personal experience to inform your writing. The difference as well as the confidence in your descriptions is quite vast from what I read at the start of the year compared to what you have now. Your attention to detail is much better as well as your word discipline.

My favorite part of this whole thing is your desire to experiment and try something new. This is what writing is all about, the willingness to alter everything on a whim, if only to change the inflection on a single word because that is where your power lies.

Well done.